in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
