I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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