just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
