I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
