dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
