i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
