It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
