I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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