Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
