I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
