so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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