I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
