Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My ATM looks so different sober.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
