So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize