life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
