he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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