i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
