Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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