and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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