R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
