: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Im just a social blackout drinker.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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