Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
