I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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