Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
