i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
