is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
