I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
