Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
