Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
