My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I need a burrito and a hug.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
