are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
