I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
