this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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