Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
