my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
3 2 1 whiskey
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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