Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
