You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize