Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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