i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
