his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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