It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
