Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize