i would punch a child for taco bell
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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