Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
