bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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