Your dad touched me again.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
