I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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