On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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