then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
