I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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