Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
