I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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