im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
