Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize