broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
