Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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