I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
