Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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